my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
