i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
