Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
