We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
