She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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