I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
