I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
