god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
