At least make sure they are 18
Why
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
