i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
