i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
