Im at strip club and am horny
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
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