Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
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