I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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