Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Randomize
