dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
