you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize