My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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