I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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