Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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