so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I came so hard my ears popped.
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