I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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