I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize