What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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