Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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