You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
