Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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