I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
