I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Randomize
