Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
