what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
