You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Found your dick twin last night
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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