Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
