So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
