Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
