A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
