yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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