saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
