Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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