Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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