I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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