You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
