I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
