If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
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