My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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