Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
