My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
