Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
