8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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