How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
