i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
