I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
