So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
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