defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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