Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
