The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
