I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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