Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
