new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
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