Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
