i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
