just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
