My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
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